I want nothing more than to wake up to those adoring, sleepy, brown eyes tomorrow morning. I want to see that smile too. I just want to cry into your chest while you’re asleep, unaware, but subconsciously hugging me closer to you. When I wake up next to you, I feel like we’re the only two people in the world.

So you know when you’re 99% sure you’re going to get a job? You know, they call you and ask when you’re available, and you give them all the dates and they’re really happy you applied, and they tell you everything you’d have to do for the job? You know when they say they’ll call you in the beginning of May? And then in the beginning of May they tell you someone will call you and sort out your schedule?

And you know when that someone calls you and says they just opened up a new business so they can’t afford to hire you because things have been too hectic?

What the fuck.

Why’d you act like I already had the fucking job and literally tell me ‘no’ a week and a half before my availability date?

What can I do to stop this pain, these thoughts clawing at my mind and haunting my dreams? My heart sinks with every reminder, and the anger nestles itself in my undying love. Insanity burrows, and paranoia scraps my ribs. Chills creep across my skin and I envision the death of the cause. Reassurance does not touch me because the hurt is too deep. You have betrayed your love, and left me to mistrust, and sob alone with an ache that will not cease. How are my feelings not a warrant? How am I not important? I don’t understand and you don’t understand and this will be the death of us. There is no fucking trust. How can you live with that? How can I live with the thought of every time I turn my fucking back you’ll be speaking with what fucking caused this? Now that there isn’t a public display, it’s only behind my fucking back. The sensation of fear and anger is so physically strong, my tears cannot be held back. Be passive of my words, and I will fade away. I will fade away before my anger does. Happiness cannot thrive without trust, and with the third time, it’s gone. I cannot thrive in constant turmoil and utter fucking insanity, and I wish i could stop it for your sake, and for mine. But once I fade away, you will love again, and so will I, and in a matter of time, I will mean nothing to you.

It’s a strange thing to have this feeling of nausea and adrenaline-filled panic in my chest constantly.

I hate when people say getting kicked in the balls is more painful than child birth. Please specify how hard the kick is…because, like, obviously if you get kneed in the balls with MAXIMUM force, you’re gonna be in a shitload of pain…but I doubt many men actually get kicked that hard in the balls ever in their lifetime. Most women do give birth, and also, women are in labor for hours…pain in your balls lasts, what like, a day the most? Depending on how hard the kick is? I mean I guess if the kick is so hard your balls like, break and fall out…like yeah that probably hurts way more than child birth. I dunno, during child birth doctors actually have to like, CUT your vag….

And like, there’s always going to be this argument because it’s not like men can have kids, or women have balls…or real balls anyway.. SO WE’RE NEVER REALLY GONNA KNOW. It also has to do with pain tolerance I think…and opinion. So everyone just shut up.

I have one regret in life:

and it’s when I left my favorite clothes in the Purchase laundry room for six hours earlier this year.

I’m trying to find my favorite shirt and favorite flannel online…they no longer exist.

DON’T PEOPLE KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED THOSE CLOTHES? AND HOW MUCH I’VE BEEN THROUGH IN THEM? Imma cry ;__;

Caturday night.

Well it’s caturday night and it’s raining so I’m reeeaaaally wishing my boy was here to cuddle with (although I am cuddling with my new and nameless kitten.). Any kind of precipitation is good cuddle weather…except for maybe hail.

  BUUUT I’ve given myself a pretty good Caturday night alone. I made bunnies while listening to Lady Gaga and reading a stupid, girly magazine, and now I’m munching on gushers and about to put on some netflix.

It does not beat cuddling. I can’t wait for tomorrow morning.

I think my birth control

has brought me back to a primitive state of mind.

IM AN ANIMAL

LKFWJFL:KWJFKLHFVWK

I just cried because I asked my mom if I could order a pizza and she said no.

Is this because of the birth control? wtf.